wizardofaws

Capture of Osama Bin Laden

In Obama, Terrorists, Uncategorized on October 5, 2009 at 12:01 am
Digitally aged photograph of Osama Bin Ladin (...

Image via Wikipedia

When Osama Bin Laden is captured by our hard working soldiers he will be helicoptered out of the area in a harness and flown dangling from a helicopter.  The helicopter will in such a hurry to return its precious cargo, a newly captured Osama Bin Laden, that it will go at top speed while getting shot at by terrorist.

When Osama Bin Laden Lands he will be untied from the ropes that held him and placed in handcuffs put behind his back and taken by proud and excited marines to a detention center where he will be cleaned, which will require removing all his clothes and washing the man who has been living in a cave.

He is known to have kidney problems which he will be attended by a fine United States military doctor who will draw blood, to check for any other problems he may have.

His hair will be washed, combed by military personal checking for bugs and weapons.

He will be given new clothes and a meal made by soldiers who are required to prepare meals to the strict guide lines of a Muslim diet.

During his first interrogation, CIA agents will want to know why there are United States phone numbers with a near by date on his lap top which the solider would have opened and scanned. We will inquire why he is speaking to anyone in the United State of America.

He will in all likely hood be moved again to a better more secure prison or lock down facility.  The Military will have by now made a positive Identification.

The General in charge will contact General Petraus who will contact Secretary of Defense Gates, who will contact chief of staff Rahm Emanuel who will inform The President of the United States.

In the past:

The President of the United States was George Walker Bush (number 43 to those who knew him) he would have called his national security team and Vice President Cheney to celebrate and ordered the man treated as a prisoner of WAR.  He would have contacted the soldiers in the field and thanked them for their service to our country.  President Bush would schedule a new conference, and they would leak the info so every one was aware to watch when he would thank of all the people involved in the capture of Osama Bin Laden.
President Bush would order him debriefed, perhaps by water-boarding to find out why a known terrorist is calling Americans.  He would order all the people associated with those phone number arrested and questioned to protect America.  That was another time.


TODAY

The President of the United States is now Barack Hussein Obama (number 44). Elected by the most votes not necessarily the most people voting.  Some even have questioned if he was born an American Citizen.  But he was sworn in twice so President Obama would receive the news the same way.  Here is where the story changes.

Rahm Emanuel would get the details from Secretary Gates. He would call President Obama along with the rest of the cabinet in for a meeting.  Secretary Gates would bring the history of the capture to the White House.  Sitting at the table with all the other Secretaries, each would begin the committee process.  Attorney General Holder would want to know why Osama Bin Ladin was dangling from a wire under a helicopter under fire instead of given a seat inside with a seat belt and ear muffs.  Who and why was he placed in uncomfortable hand cuffs, and who okayed removing his clothes or cleaning him? He would order an investigation from the Secretary of Veterans Affairs General Shinseki, who would let everyone know that he thought the war was a bad idea all along.

Secretary Clinton would be ordered to call the country where we captured Osama Bin Ladin and apologize for taking someone without their permission.  She would hold a news conference denouncing the same country an hour later, but offer financial aid.

Secretary Geithner will offer to produce an extra Trillion Dollars for the aid, some of which will actually be delivered. Secretary of Agriculture Vilsack will promise free wheat and corn to reduce our own supply and drive the prices up so we all can pay additional taxes. Secretary of Heath and Human Services will offer an internal investigation of the medical personal who offered treatment.

Leon Panetta will be required to place all the photos and home address of every CIA agent who touched or spoke with him in the New York Times so that Americans can see our country at work.  Each CIA agent would be placed on administrative leave and suspended pay.  Their families would become targets, their homes forbidden police protection. To make sure they couldn’t leave the country their passports would be revoked and all credit cards frozen till Attorney General Holder has finished his investigation on how they voted.

National Security Adviser Jones and Intelligence Director Blair will be required to go over the ethnicities of all the soldiers involved with Diversity CZAR Mark Lloyd and Afghanistan CZAR Holbrooke, a few other CZARS will be in attendance but they will deny they were there because they are not actually CZARS, but they are on the Payroll.

United States Ambassador to the United Nations Rice will go before the General Assembly and ask forgiveness from all the countries involved for taking Osama Bin Laden without permission.  Iran, North Korea and the Palestinians will demand his immediate release on humanitarian Grounds. Russia and China will condemn our actions but suggest through Secretary of State Clinton a quick Execution.

Israel, Australia, Canada, France, Britain and Germany will be the only countries who actually congratulate us, but President Obama will be to busy investigating the accused to take the call.  It will fall to Joe Biden who will need to be reminded from time to time who we just captured, that will fall to John Kerry who will claim it had been his idea.  Vice President Biden knowing he is talking to a head of State will offer to come to their countries to make an appearance, each will respectfully decline.

None of the soldiers will receive a medal or a proper home coming.  Each will receive a letter signed by Former President Bush (43) because he felt and feels strongly about thanking the soldiers.  All Soldiers lost in the capture would find the Former President had written their families letters of condolence.

President Obama will allow them military services as long as the funerals are photographed for Time and Newsweek.   To appease the United Nations, Osama Bin Ladin would be given a proper trial, giving him legal counsel courtesy of George Soro’s.

The Trail would be a circus, Fox news would report the travesty, while ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN would report how well his legal council is handling his trail.  Katie Couric would get the first interview, using questions such as “what periodicals he enjoys reading”.  Barbara Walters, running second would want to know what kind of tree he’d like to be.  O’Rielly, Beck, Van Sustern would report from those same interview while the Press Secretary of the White House would occasionally go on Fox News to remind them how horrible they were to Osama Bin Laden.

Ironically he would be found guilty of crimes against the Untied States of America.
Secretly citizens of the United States of America would feel a great sense of relief and justice, even though all the papers and magazines they have read told them otherwise. NPR would devote the entire schedule to helping American’s understand why Bin Ladin needed to attack us.

Osama would hire the great litigator David Boies who would ask Janet Reno to help with the appeal.  Two days before the Appeal would take place President Obama would conveniently have the opportunity of replacing one of the conservative supreme court Justices.

His choice would be swift.  Al Gore who would be placed on the court in a record 24 hours.  At his first court case, newly appointed supreme court justice Al Gore would once again, be unable to pronounce the name Osama Bin Ladin, slightly reminiscent of his days in the Senate.

Even the supreme court could not clear off of the evidence against him, but would throw out all but one of the crimes.  By now Osama is doing interviews constantly, Vanity Fair, Time, Newsweek, Ebony, Muslim Weekly, Al Jarzeera and with a constant supply of the front page the New York Times.

With the desire of Congress to meet him, President Obama and the First Lady would hold a State Dinner with all the appropriate members of Muslim Nations in attendance.  Osama dressed in his best robes, would arrive by motorcade worthy of the billionaire he is.  All of his wives and children would be there.  However the Second son will not allow his wife to wearing anything but a Burka.

President Obama in his toast to Osama Bin Ladin would thank him for participating in our legal system which would be proof of the success of the change he had promised.

Then with the stroke of a Pen, President Obama would Pardon Osama Bin Ladin!  Getting up to read the words from his 27-year old scribe on the TelePrompTer.  We will forgive those who trust pass against us.

From the state dining from of the White House a very thin Aretha Franklin will begin to sing Change, Change Change!

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